Just keep swimming…

Life has its ups and it has its downs. You can’t always dictate where life is going to take you. Sometimes you feel like you’re flying! You are winning at life. Nothing can bring you down from this high and the whole world is at your finger tips. Sometimes you feel like you’re buried in the earth. The walls are crumbling around you. You’re cold and all hope is lost.

At the moment my life feels like it’s crumbling into oblivion, I feel like I have nowhere to go and I’m constangly worried about ¬†what the future might hold. I am a person who tries not to concern myself too much with tragic goings on, in my life or otherwise, I try to remain positive and carry on with life but at the moment it is hard. I keep getting little reminders about the situation I find myself in, I keep hearing little shots fired in the dark. I am very close to losing my cool, I am close to waking up and realising the state of my reality.

But I am not going to let it destroy me.

I have a strong will. I have a lot of hope. I know that no matter what life throws at you there is always a way out and there is always going to be a day when the sun reveals itself. One thing I am very good at is staying positive and finding silver linings, and I know it is something I go on about a lot but I have to keep telling myself or I might forget. So I stay positive, if you tell yourself everything will be fine then eventually it will be, it’s as soon as you stop believing in hope that you truly lose everything.

If you sit around and wallow in self pity, or if you remain static then your brain will become idle and any hope of a brighter future may fade away from you. If you keep productive, make a goal and strive for it then your hope can never die because you are doing something to keep your mind occupied, you are more likely to keep on going! So every day I make a list, I decide what I have to do each day, just any task – cleaning, sorting, dancing, sleeping, I make a list and I tick off every point to give myself a purpose. In your darkest moments you need to find a purpose. Find a purpose and you’ll be able to carry on with life.

One thing I have always tried to do is make a plan and stick to it. I keep myself busy and I always give myself something to do. I know that the moment I stop I am going to lose all hope in myself and I cannot let that happen.

And so I endure what life throws at me, I fight through every trial and I hold on to every moment of joy I am permitted. I work as often as I can, I push myself to do more even though I know I cannot handle it and I always endeavour to be the best I can to ensure I can have a better future. I am ever so aware that I work myself too much, often to the point of exhaustion which makes me grumpy and aggitated but in the end I know it’s for the best because it means I am doing something to fix my problems, it just may not feel like it at the time.

Giving up is not something that suits me, I hate the thought of not being able to finish the job and not being able to carry on and so even if it costs me a little happiness at the time, I carry on and I plan ahead. And there are times at work when I want to go home, or I want to give up on everything and do something completely different with my life but I will continue on and on because it is the right thing to do and even if I am unhappy it will be of some benefit to me, in the end it will be worth it in one way or another. Keep saying something enough times and eventually it will come true.

That’s how it works right?

I’m holding on by a thread.

I have to keep saying it myself now…

Never lose hope. Never give in and always keep fighting for your life to turn out the way you want it to. If you don’t fight, no one will.

silver linings?

They say that every fairytale has a happy ending. They say that every cloud has a silver lining. They say that happiness cannot be found until you search in the dark and find light.

I want to know who ‘they’ are.

I want them to tell me every word about staying positive they know and I want them to keep saying them until I am happy. Keep saying them until I know that everything will be okay. It’s going to take a lot before I believe those words are true because at the moment true happiness is just a story. I have moments of elation when I forget my troubles and I can live a little with a smile on my face but then I remember the grim truth of my fate, thanks to a vile, selfish human who thinks of nothing but money and yet claims otherwise.

Up to this moment my life has gone on and I have dealt with every dark cloud but now there is no break where the sun can shine through. I am in a tunnel so dark that the end must be very far away because there isn’t even a hint of daylight from the other side. I edge slowly down this path, clinging desperately to the walls so I don’t lose my way but I see no end. Someone needs to lead me there before I go mad. This insanity is creeping up and I cannot push it away because my life is devastated. Everything I am, or was, has been thrown to the side and wasted by someone who one day decided they did not care enough to really help someone in need. A petty complaint has turned into an explosion of rage and a conclusion that has wrecked everything we knew.

They say money makes the world go round but it doesn’t. It stops a person’s world in its tracks when another person decides they want to take everything away. Every penny is lost, every smile has faded, every hope – abandoned. I have never felt so lost and afraid. I have never worried about how I will get out of my situation. I have never in my life felt as though I had nothing left.

I cannot comprehend why a person would turn against another, especially considering the relationship, and leave them in the dust. If you love someone you do not betray them. There are two consequences to the individuals actions. They have caused my partner and I incredible stress and now we face what could very well be the end of everything as we know it! And they have lost the hope of ever having a relationship with us every again, me I’m not so bothered about, but he will never be associated with her again. Not properly. This betrayal cuts too deep, the wounds will fester and they will rot. Nothing can save it now. She says that she is doing this in order to maintain a relationship but the opposite effect has occurred because she has proved what a materialistic, ignorant demon she really is, beyond any hope of repair. And although it is true that many things were said from all parties it does not excuse her abominable actions.

I am generally a positive person, I find the bright side and I carry on even when others are down. I have always been the person people turn to in their time of need and now I need help, I feel like a burden, it’s like I’m not wanted and I feel like I have nowhere to go. Virtually no one to turn to. I always try to be the lift that is needed to ensure life goes on but this time even I have fallen to the depths of despair that I thought I would never see again. And yet I find myself here, sleeping in a place that, although I am grateful for, is not my home, fearing that at any moment some new and terrible thing will befall me and I will be sent even further into the dark. As of right now I am surrounded by darkness.

I have tried to convince myself that everything will be okay, that we’ll get out of this mess and life will go on as planned but at the moment I am struggling to see it. I am lost in a world i don’t fully understand and I am hopeless. I don’t know which way to turn or where my path is going to take me. I see no way out and i don’t know what to do next. All my hopes and my dreams are shattered and my life has fallen into uncertainty. There is only one constant and he is in the arena with me waiting for the Tigers to strike. I hate that I have dragged him into my mess and I wish nothing more than to save him, save us. We need to find a way to climb out of this pit of fire and lead us on to a better tomorrow.

I just hope things will improve despite my hesitation to believe they could, and perhaps then I can finally find peace. The only hope I have now is lingering in the back of my mind telling me to not just give up because if I try then things will fall into place, but all the other voices are pushing it away. I know I shouldn’t give up because I don’t want her to win. I’ll roll the dice and make my next move towards the future. Who knows, maybe we’ll still come out on top after all.