Do I avoid the world, or play in the sun?

The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day and I am sat inside writing a blog post on the iPad, pretending I don’t exist. I love the outdoors. I love the smell of nature and the sound of birds singing in the trees. I love watching the sun slowly climb to the highest point in the sky before it starts to fall. I love sitting on a blanket with my boyfriend by my side and a book in my hand while I escape into another dimension. But I can’t cope with doing that for a prolonged amount of time.

The sun gets too hot, my eyes start to hurt from the brightness and I find myself wanting to retreat back into the shadows where I can hide away from everyone and just relax. I am two different people in my head, the person who wants to go outside and spend all day frolicking in the fields of the Yorkshire countryside, attempting to make friends with the wildlife that hurries away from me as I approach in my heavy Dr Martens and the person who just wants to curl up somewhere in her room and read or write in silence, hidden away from the judging views of the outside world.

I don’t think I could class myself as an introvert or an extrovert as I share qualities with both and I am not really sure whether you can be classed as both types. I enjoy human interaction, hence why I am a tour guide and I work in a bar, I constantly meet new people and interact with them. I equally want to lock myself in a dark room and never talk to anyone ever again. Some days I want both, or I’ll know that all evening I’ll be talking on the tour so i just want to be quiet all day and chill out away from the world. I can’t figure out which qualities have the stronger pull because, honestly, it depends on the day.

Today I am physically exhausted because I did my very first shift in a bar and so obviously finished very late on and today I wanted nothing to do with the universe until I have to go to work this evening. We decided to go for a picnic in the country which was glorious. The sun is shining and there is not one cloud in the crystal blue sky, twenty three degrees Celsius! Unheard of in England…I embraced it. I love being in nature and seeing the tiny rabbits run around the fields, the river rushing by at the bottom of the hill and watching the trains rush through the centre. Sure trains are filled with busy people squashed together in a sweaty metal space which is ugly and unwanted in the beauty of the world but it can only ruin the serenity for a few moments before it’s forgotten and peace is restored. We took drinks and snacks and sat there reading and dazing for a few hours in absolute bliss. Completely disconnected to the rest of the world.

Eventually though, I start to feel an itch. An pull dragging me back home and I no longer had any patience for the rays of light or songs of a blackbird, I just want to go home. I couldn’t concentrate on my book anymore and I started to fidget.

I don’t know what it is. Sometimes when I’m in that type of situation I just don’t want to be there anymore even if I’m having a wonderful time, which I was. I suppose I just think about what I’m doing and think about how I could be doing all these things at home, on a soft bed or beanbag rather than a slightly hard bit of ground, not having to squint – ergo avoiding an inevitable headache – and avoiding accidental sunburn which would be disastrous with my ridiculously pale complexion.  I think it probably has something to do with the fact that I work in tourism in every single job I do, I constantly face people and it is so nice to escape from all of that. I like quiet in my spare time.

I know there were next to no people up there on that hill today but there is always the potential someone would appear, hiking, walking their dog, just going for a leisurely stroll, and i don’t want to talk to them. I know for a fact that is going to be no strangers in my home. I adore being outside but when I’m not at work sometimes I just want to lay on the bed and mind my own business. Outdoor activity or ventures will of course be tolerated for periods of time as I do find it very enjoyable, especially when I’m with Kristian, but I like knowing I have the option of returning when I want to, in order to recuperate and simply get away from the universe.

I have never explicitly said this to Kristian but I think he does understand my little way of thinking. He too likes to be indoors, playing games on the computer or reading, just as much as he loves being outdoors going for walks with the dog or having a drink in a beer garden. He understands me rather well! And I feel like I understand him too. We have such wonderful times together and I treasure every single one of them! But sometimes I just want to go home, be together in a comfortable silence of love and understanding as we live out our peaceful day. These days often lead to wonderful, in depth, conversations about philosophical theories which we believe in or find interesting, helping us to understand the way we both work, being at home for me is just as much of a blessing as the beautiful sun glaring down onto a lush green field and a gentle breeze.

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