Do I avoid the world, or play in the sun?

The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day and I am sat inside writing a blog post on the iPad, pretending I don’t exist. I love the outdoors. I love the smell of nature and the sound of birds singing in the trees. I love watching the sun slowly climb to the highest point in the sky before it starts to fall. I love sitting on a blanket with my boyfriend by my side and a book in my hand while I escape into another dimension. But I can’t cope with doing that for a prolonged amount of time.

The sun gets too hot, my eyes start to hurt from the brightness and I find myself wanting to retreat back into the shadows where I can hide away from everyone and just relax. I am two different people in my head, the person who wants to go outside and spend all day frolicking in the fields of the Yorkshire countryside, attempting to make friends with the wildlife that hurries away from me as I approach in my heavy Dr Martens and the person who just wants to curl up somewhere in her room and read or write in silence, hidden away from the judging views of the outside world.

I don’t think I could class myself as an introvert or an extrovert as I share qualities with both and I am not really sure whether you can be classed as both types. I enjoy human interaction, hence why I am a tour guide and I work in a bar, I constantly meet new people and interact with them. I equally want to lock myself in a dark room and never talk to anyone ever again. Some days I want both, or I’ll know that all evening I’ll be talking on the tour so i just want to be quiet all day and chill out away from the world. I can’t figure out which qualities have the stronger pull because, honestly, it depends on the day.

Today I am physically exhausted because I did my very first shift in a bar and so obviously finished very late on and today I wanted nothing to do with the universe until I have to go to work this evening. We decided to go for a picnic in the country which was glorious. The sun is shining and there is not one cloud in the crystal blue sky, twenty three degrees Celsius! Unheard of in England…I embraced it. I love being in nature and seeing the tiny rabbits run around the fields, the river rushing by at the bottom of the hill and watching the trains rush through the centre. Sure trains are filled with busy people squashed together in a sweaty metal space which is ugly and unwanted in the beauty of the world but it can only ruin the serenity for a few moments before it’s forgotten and peace is restored. We took drinks and snacks and sat there reading and dazing for a few hours in absolute bliss. Completely disconnected to the rest of the world.

Eventually though, I start to feel an itch. An pull dragging me back home and I no longer had any patience for the rays of light or songs of a blackbird, I just want to go home. I couldn’t concentrate on my book anymore and I started to fidget.

I don’t know what it is. Sometimes when I’m in that type of situation I just don’t want to be there anymore even if I’m having a wonderful time, which I was. I suppose I just think about what I’m doing and think about how I could be doing all these things at home, on a soft bed or beanbag rather than a slightly hard bit of ground, not having to squint – ergo avoiding an inevitable headache – and avoiding accidental sunburn which would be disastrous with my ridiculously pale complexion.  I think it probably has something to do with the fact that I work in tourism in every single job I do, I constantly face people and it is so nice to escape from all of that. I like quiet in my spare time.

I know there were next to no people up there on that hill today but there is always the potential someone would appear, hiking, walking their dog, just going for a leisurely stroll, and i don’t want to talk to them. I know for a fact that is going to be no strangers in my home. I adore being outside but when I’m not at work sometimes I just want to lay on the bed and mind my own business. Outdoor activity or ventures will of course be tolerated for periods of time as I do find it very enjoyable, especially when I’m with Kristian, but I like knowing I have the option of returning when I want to, in order to recuperate and simply get away from the universe.

I have never explicitly said this to Kristian but I think he does understand my little way of thinking. He too likes to be indoors, playing games on the computer or reading, just as much as he loves being outdoors going for walks with the dog or having a drink in a beer garden. He understands me rather well! And I feel like I understand him too. We have such wonderful times together and I treasure every single one of them! But sometimes I just want to go home, be together in a comfortable silence of love and understanding as we live out our peaceful day. These days often lead to wonderful, in depth, conversations about philosophical theories which we believe in or find interesting, helping us to understand the way we both work, being at home for me is just as much of a blessing as the beautiful sun glaring down onto a lush green field and a gentle breeze.

Family is more precious than gold

Family is the most important thing in the world. I am incredibly lucky that I have had a wonderful upbringing, the best it could have been. My parents are understanding, they care, they don’t stop giving and they are genuinely proud of everything I have done and continue to do with my life. We didn’t have all the money in the world but that is okay because we have something even more precious than gold. My parents are my best friends. I can tell them anything, I confide in them about everything and I trust them with my life. The same way I trust my incredible partner, he stands beside me no matter what and, like me, my parents adore him.

Where I know I can trust him, he too knows he can trust in me. I will always do everything in my life to protect him from harm and love him unconditionally. He is my family. He is the most important person in my life and I hate seeing him hurt in any way. There is nothing more precious to me than having him in my life, being a family.

I cannot understand people who are willing to let their family go. Why would you ever think it would be okay to push someone away? And most importantly, if a problem occurs that has the potential to destroy a relationship, why would you not do everything in your power to stop that rapture?

If there ever comes a point in my life, God forbid, when for whatever reason it feels as though I may lose someone whom I consider my world, then I would not just walk away and accept it, I would fight with every single ounce of power I possess. I would not drop it until some kind of resolution would be found. I would not give up because if something was really that important to me there would be no way I would just step aside and let it happen. That’s just what you do. Families stick together, that’s what I have always been told, what I have always known. You do not give up on family. They are the most important people in your life. Sure they can be a nightmare and people shout, they get upset, they slam a door and someone might cry but you eventually go downstairs and everything is okay. I had plenty of fallouts with my mum growing up but I never lost her, she never lost me because – as families should – we worked it out. From our darkest times together we grew stronger and formed a bond we lacked before, now my mum is my world.

You cannot afford to be stubborn in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), even if you think you are in the wrong you have to find a resolution, you have to fix the problem. If you don’t think you have done anything then you apologise for the mistake you didn’t realise you were making, you apologise for the emotional corruption you have laid on someone’s heart, you apologise for the deterioration of a relationship you cannot live without. You fix the problem and you move on. The incorrect and, in my personal opinion, stupid decision is to deny everything, make no attempt at redemption and to walk away. If you’re so stubborn and closed minded that you cannot see past your own twisted view on reality then nothing will be solved and you will end up losing everything. As I said before in a previous post, you end up with an empty house with only the echoes of a past that no longer belongs to you. Sometimes you have to listen to what other people say, you have to accept their opinion and you have to move past your own stubborn obscurities and fix it! If you don’t you will lose everything you have ever cared about.

Or perhaps it is already too late. Perhaps you have already decided. By the time the bird flew away and made it’s own way you decided it didn’t matter, it’s life meant nothing now because it wasn’t yours to enslave. What does it matter if it still has feelings, pent up for years but too scared to speak out in case you reacted like this. What does it matter if you’ll end up without contact? What does it matter. You’ll still feel like you’ve won in the end because after all it is everybody else who has the problem, it’s everyone else who makes mistakes. When your judgement fails and you cannot comprehend when you have messed up, it seems that family isn’t important anymore and the moment they start causing problems for number one you just do not want to hear it. Their opinion differs from your own and therefore it is wrong. What a disgusting attitude to have. They make you think about other people’s lives instead of your own and suddenly everything is worthless to you and you have no interest in what anybody has to say. Congratulations, your selfish nature is now your undoing.

I would never abandon my family. I would never lose control. I would want to build bridges not destroy them, because I would not want to lose my soul. People need to understand that real happiness can be found, and if you hinder growth or cannot establish the necessary power within yourself to come forward and admit you were wrong then you will never find it. It will always be hidden from you. And so will your family.