Life can be extremely hard. It comes with a lot of trials and there are a lot of tall hurdles you have to jump over. I try to take life as it comes and stay positive, find the good things and try not to focus on the bad but sometimes it just isn’t enough! Sometimes no matter how much light you surround yourself with the darkness always hangs around, waiting for your candle to flicker just a little. It always tries to find a way in.
Sometimes you let things get on top of you and you find yourself feeling trapped. Being trapped in that kind of situation is the worst position for a human to be in, especially if you add a mental health problem into the mix. But I won’t dwell too much on that part because I’ve already done it in my previous post. Stress is a major problem that you often can’t control, it climbs into your mind and consumes your every thought. You start to worry about everything and usually ends in tears, particularly if you’re an emotional wreck like me. And then people start to notice that something is wrong, people start asking questions and the stress increases, you get anxious because you feel like everyone is watching you even more. You can’t breathe, you can’t cope and that’s the point where things really start to slide rapidly downhill.
I hate feeling this way because it always makes me feel down about my entire life and like I’m not achieving anything. It makes me feel like there is nothing I can do in any universe that will fix it because everything I do is always wrong. There is honestly nothing worse than the feeling of worthlessness.
Usually stress is completely unnecessary and almost always is avoidable but when it does break through it is a nightmare! I’m a sensitive sort of person and I will admit I do need positive feedback and gratification to feel good about myself, when people focus solely on the negatives it grinds at your soul and that is never okay. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and not think of the consequences. The risk I have taken today is a big one I’ll admit, I have chosen to walk out of a job I loved for a long time because the build up of stress was really starting to affect me and the way I function in life. I loved the people and I loved my actual job but everything that came with it from above, not necessarily a decision from my manager specifically but from higher still, which was an attempt to push and push and push us into achieving more but never telling us we were doing well. I do not recall a time when I was told what I was specifically doing right, it was only what I needed to do to improve. That is not healthy! And I’m not saying I need to be told every three seconds that I am doing well but the occasional confidence boost would not go amiss.
True I may not have handled the situation in the best way possible but I think it is a decision well made, like my colleague actually said to me today, my mental health is more important. I need to put myself first in this situation and I need to fix everything. I cannot linger or give up completely because now I have to fight back and start making a name for myself somewhere else. Somewhere hopefully that I will thrive. I’m not looking for something that will set me on the path to victory, just something that will awaken my passion for growth and for life, something which I feel has been slightly taken away from me of late. I need to be in an environment where I my individuality and my creativity is respected because that way I will truly learn to love myself and find happiness in every aspect of my life. I know that is waiting for me, it’s just out of arms reach at the moment, but I know it isn’t far away and that gives me hope!
I know I probably won’t be able to avoid stress forever because it always lingers, hanging over your shoulder like a rain cloud, but hopefully my new ventures will see me through and I’ll conquer new heights. I need to find a place in my life where I can thrive and I can really grow as a person, as a performer and as a dreamer. I want to be able to fulfill my dreams and I am so aware of how hard that is but I feel like I’m on the right track. I feel like I am now in a really good place to start my life properly, cogs are moving and my imagination is running wild! I know that whatever comes next is going to change my life forever because I have made a positive change, positivity is only ever a good thing, nothing bad ever came from a smile. And at least I have time to dedicate my life to things I love now. I just have to take the plunge and really get my head down! I have the confidence I need to pull me through this.
Onwards to bigger and better things now.