There is nothing so perfect as being in love. Just being able to exist so comfortably in another person’s life, with no fears of judgement and no pain. You have someone you can always rely on and you have someone that you can share everything with no matter what. You cannot choose who that person will be but you can choose to accept the feeling and act upon it. The decision to follow my heart instead of my head was the best decision of my life.
For a long time I thought I was in love. I thought that I had found my happily ever after. I thought I had found exactly what I was looking for. I was wrong.
There was a lot of pain in that relationship, pain that went unspoken. I held onto a hope for so many years that I could be happy with him because he was kind and loving. But I failed to see the bad parts that were crawling out of the woodwork. I didn’t think about how little time he actually spent with me, I didn’t think about how little interest he had in my life, I didn’t think about all the words he never said. I was blinded by hope because I had been broken before. I honestly thought that I could find a way to be happy, but I couldn’t. I was ignored for most of the day because he was upstairs working, and don’t get me wrong I was so proud of him – he has accomplished so much – and he is extremely talented, but he never made time to hang out with me, when he did it was limited. I began to fall into a place where I was unhappy and lonely so I turned to alcohol and further seclusion. When I got a cat that helped a lot because she has become my best friend and we have a bond that can never be broken, I love that creature more than life. But I became a mess. And he did that to me. People told me I needed to get out, people told me that I was making a mistake living there and I didn’t listen because I was too busy pretending everything was fine. Hope was the only thing binding me to him.
Eventually I started going out more, I started reconnecting with people in the real world and I started to see all the things that people had been saying for years! I started to hope that maybe there was something else and started to believe that I deserved better. I didn’t want to be in that situation anymore because I knew that I was unhappy and I couldn’t unsee everything around me. So I did the hardest thing in the world, I trusted my heart, I put that life behind me and I started a new one.
I don’t regret my decision to leave. It was unhealthy and I fixed my life because of it. But sometimes I do find myself thinking about it, before everything went wrong. For a time I was happy, and there are things about that relationship that brings joy to my heart and I will never ever forget the times we did share. I am glad for the memories and I hope he is okay. I want him to be happy too because I know he isn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t right for me. I know deep down he wasn’t happy either, because he didn’t fight at the end. He knew he’d lost me and he just gave up. He told me he just wanted to forget everything, and I really hope he hasn’t because we had a lot of good times, things to be treasured. We were young and we thought we were in love, and that is something you should never forget.
We just had to move on…
And now I know I am in love. It’s a feeling I cannot deny. We are completely as one, it’s serene and it’s bliss. We fight but we always make up because we know we can, we know it’s worth it. When I see him my heart leaps, I feel butterflies and a smile erupts across my face. When he hugs me I feel safe and his words are a comfort, I’ve never felt this safe before. I know he’ll take care of me no matter what. He is my knight in shining armour. And even though he too spends a lot of time on the computer I know he’ll stop if I need him to I know he’ll hold me in his arms and he won’t be in a rush to get away. I love this boy, and I trust him with my life. I never realised how much I needed him until I found him. And now I know he’ll never leave.
Love is a funny thing because you never quite know when it’s going to make an appearance and once it hits you, you never want it to leave. The fates work in mysterious ways and the deterioration of my previous relationship pushed me towards this one, the difference is unbelievable. After living in a world of such regret I finally feel free, I can be myself around him and I don’t feel like I need to hide anything at all.
I’ll always remember my past, but now I know I have a future. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing you have someone in your life who you want to share the world with…